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As I get the impression that

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journalists are telling us more and more

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often, Linda, it seems like your album

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is darker than the previous ones, and that made me ask myself, I wondered, am

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I a

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positive person in life? Am

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I an optimistic person?

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If I were

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optimistic, I would trust my

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husband. If I were

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optimistic, I would eat undercooked steak. If I

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were

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optimistic, I would think that the world is

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wonderful, that Bin Laden won't live long,

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that if everyone is careful there will

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soon be less

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pollution. If I were

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optimistic, I would find that young people

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are the best. If I were

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optimistic, I would say that the future is

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promising. If I were

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optimistic, I wouldn't believe in theft or

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weapons. I would sleep without an alarm system.

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I would burn charcoal on my P. I

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could take my

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[Music]

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plane at risk, but I'm

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pessimistic because I'm afraid my

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plane will crash, because I'm sure my

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husband is cheating on me. I'm afraid of the world, I'm

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afraid of bombs, of tsunamis that  I'm afraid of

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the world, I'm afraid of propane gas leaks,

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afraid of dying from a hamburger,

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afraid all alone in my cabin

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of being mugged by thieves, afraid of

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finding our obese, bent-over young people glued to

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their Xboxes, suffocating

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in their food without convulsions and being

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poisoned.

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[Music]

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If I were

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optimistic, I'd sign my

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donor card. If I were

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optimistic, I'd donate kidneys to my

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heart. If I were

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optimistic, I'd trust

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medicine and hygiene in general. I'd

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believe in water more than urine in

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the municipal pool,

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but I'm

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pessimistic. I'm afraid of having an

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accident, of waking up with wide eyes

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facing sadists in white gloves,

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taking my lungs. And then I'm

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afraid of hospitals, of bacteria, of their

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wrists, afraid of catching

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the virus if I take the subway, the old woman who

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sullies everything. And if I don't have breast implants,

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it's not even for the right reasons,

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it's because...  I'm convinced I'd get the

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rarest accolades

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[Music]

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if I were

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optimistic I'd trust the

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journalist if I were

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optimistic I'd be delighted the internet

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exists but I'm

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pessimistic I'm sure there are some guys

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messing around they'll surely

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cause me trouble they'll film me on their

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phone they'll put me on YouTube

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I'm afraid the reviews won't be good

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they'll say I'm going in circles that

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my songwriting talent has plateaued that it's

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far from my best song

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yes if I were an optimist maybe I'd bite into a sausage slab true

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maybe

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one in ten doesn't smell like

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toilet bowl I'd live happily and

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peacefully with my

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D holder maybe one in a thousand doesn't have a

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green shoe in the

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closet

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are you pessimism or is it

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lucidity if I were an

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optimist it seems to me they would have locked me up

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[Applause]