As I get the impression that
journalists are telling us more and more
often, Linda, it seems like your album
is darker than the previous ones, and that made me ask myself, I wondered, am
I a
positive person in life? Am
I an optimistic person?
If I were
optimistic, I would trust my
husband. If I were
optimistic, I would eat undercooked steak. If I
were
optimistic, I would think that the world is
wonderful, that Bin Laden won't live long,
that if everyone is careful there will
soon be less
pollution. If I were
optimistic, I would find that young people
are the best. If I were
optimistic, I would say that the future is
promising. If I were
optimistic, I wouldn't believe in theft or
weapons. I would sleep without an alarm system.
I would burn charcoal on my P. I
could take my
[Music]
plane at risk, but I'm
pessimistic because I'm afraid my
plane will crash, because I'm sure my
husband is cheating on me. I'm afraid of the world, I'm
afraid of bombs, of tsunamis that I'm afraid of
the world, I'm afraid of propane gas leaks,
afraid of dying from a hamburger,
afraid all alone in my cabin
of being mugged by thieves, afraid of
finding our obese, bent-over young people glued to
their Xboxes, suffocating
in their food without convulsions and being
poisoned.
[Music]
If I were
optimistic, I'd sign my
donor card. If I were
optimistic, I'd donate kidneys to my
heart. If I were
optimistic, I'd trust
medicine and hygiene in general. I'd
believe in water more than urine in
the municipal pool,
but I'm
pessimistic. I'm afraid of having an
accident, of waking up with wide eyes
facing sadists in white gloves,
taking my lungs. And then I'm
afraid of hospitals, of bacteria, of their
wrists, afraid of catching
the virus if I take the subway, the old woman who
sullies everything. And if I don't have breast implants,
it's not even for the right reasons,
it's because... I'm convinced I'd get the
rarest accolades
[Music]
if I were
optimistic I'd trust the
journalist if I were
optimistic I'd be delighted the internet
exists but I'm
pessimistic I'm sure there are some guys
messing around they'll surely
cause me trouble they'll film me on their
phone they'll put me on YouTube
I'm afraid the reviews won't be good
they'll say I'm going in circles that
my songwriting talent has plateaued that it's
far from my best song
yes if I were an optimist maybe I'd bite into a sausage slab true
maybe
one in ten doesn't smell like
toilet bowl I'd live happily and
peacefully with my
D holder maybe one in a thousand doesn't have a
green shoe in the
closet
are you pessimism or is it
lucidity if I were an
optimist it seems to me they would have locked me up
[Applause]